The Caged Bird

"A Peacock?... seriously?" The sighs resonate around the room, and collectively they take a deep breath. "I’m sure you all think it will look 'amazing' but your asking me to stand on stage dressed as a peacock. Surely I have to feel comfortable in it... don’t I?" Handing over the control of any part of my performance was difficult for me ... since the beginning of all this I have done it all myself, choreography, music, costume, makeup and hair ... it may not have been perfect but it was me, and now I’m supposed to be perfect so my choices aren’t good enough.... "Miss Grace if you would just look at these sketches" now it was my turn to sigh, fine I will look but I wont like them. Browsing pictures I ache a little inside several sketches showed all angles of a purple satin corset overlaid with turquoise lace. A waterfall of peacock feathers flow down the back replacing the usual bustled skirt. I couldn’t deny that it was going to be a stunning outfit. Better than anything I had ever worn in the past. Why did I feel so hemmed in? I wanted to be excited glad of this enormous opportunity. Why couldn’t I see the shining lights the others were so certain of? Looking around me I saw the trappings of where I was headed. The hotel was breathtaking. This wasn’t just the usual bed and wardrobe that had been my staple for the last few years. I missed the tightness of the travel lodge. The familiar bedding, the tea tray. Here I have a separate bedroom and sitting room. Hey I have more room here than in my pokey flat, and if I want tea I just lift the phone and the efficient voice at the other end sends me it in a real bone china cup and saucer. The pictures are still in my hands and their faces are looking towards me like I have the answer. Like I have any choice in this. I move to the desk and the costume designer follows me “Could we perhaps extend the lace up over the shoulder to make a sleeve add some opera length gloves and it will be fine” It would be spectacular but I certainly couldn’t admit to that now. There was a lot of shuffling as people headed out the room. Hardly another word was said to me. The rehearsal hall would be available from 3 and a car would collect me at 2.30. I nodded my acknowledgement as they left me in opulence but also alone and in silence. I stood a moment realising I had 3 hours. Maybe I could go out and get lunch somewhere nice. Do some shopping. I looked out of my window. I was too high to work out what anything was on this street. I pause for a moment; I don’t think I even know where I am. I pick up the phone and after only one ring the efficient voice says “Good morning Miss Grace what can I do to help you” Honestly I think to myself, I don’t know.

continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds

I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.

“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.

Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.

I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.

The excuses of a lazy blogger!!!

It was summer ..
I started a new exercise routine..
I had a lot of studying to do..
My editor moved away so I didn't have him pushing me..(yes I am using you as an excuse)..
A friend has been trying to get me back to burlesque dancing and I had to practise (yes I'm using you too!!)
CBT was getting deep and meaningful ..

Ok Ok ....truth is I'm lazy and time flies so fast now .... and well I lost my mojo.

It is unbelieveable to me that it is now November, I look and wonder if i have filled my time the best I could and well honestly the answer to that is probably no ... but then who does.

I was thinking about death today (in an uplifting live for the moment rather than a depressing end of everything way) and I remember being in hospital thinking if I can just get through this in one piece I will never waste time again ... I made huge changes in my life after that.
I left an unhappy marriage, I quit the job that caused me nothing but pain, I made a stand against the people in my life that brought me down and I started on the path of me.

3 years later my circumstances are different ... at a glance to most people I'm worse off. financially I am, physically I am , but in my heart and through out my soul .... which is where it matters ... the profit is huge.
Sometimes in the dire day to day I forget that ... but today with death in my mind I remembered it loud and clear.

So today I found my mojo again ... will it make me a less lazy blogger ... well probably not.

Summer is ending and it will be a relief for me

Well the children return to school next week and that means I made it through the summer. The weather mirrored my mood some times warm and sunny often dark and gloomy.

I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.

I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.

I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.

Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks

to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.

I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent

Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx

Mays blog...hmmmm

I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what to write about this month. I keep thinking I have a topic .... i write some lines and then stop.

nothing is inspiring me .... everything is blah!!!!

everything in my life is a mess ... not in a bad way... not in a ' I'm a mess and i cant cope come lock me up' way ... more the 'where is my bag and have you moved the car??' way

sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it decides to have a holiday... "that's it I've had enough I'm off, call me when you sort this lot out" ... alright for my mind but I'm the one left to pick up the pieces ... I mean where did i park the car?

In general I can be very very random ... I will ask a question out of the blue because if I don't I cant be sure I will remember later. I carry a notebook with me everywhere and i write down everything i have to do ... because I will forget ... if it isn't in the book it doesn't get done. Even my children have worked that out ... when i used to go away for work the girl would write in the book 'buy me a book' even now i find shopping list .... hey its the girl that reminds me what day PE is so i remember to pack the sports kit.

But this is a different situation I can spend 3 hours doing a 20 min job because i'm just floating and i forget everything .... I mean where exactly did I park my car?

Writing at the moment is impossible I couldn't remember who I am let alone what I was doing 16 years ago. And I don't have the focus to read .... I went to the model railway to do some work but I didn't get much done and glued more fence posts to me than anything else. So maybe my mind has the right idea .... maybe I need a holiday

So this Months blog is too tell you Ive gone on holiday ... I'm taking a break.... there will be no May blog ... Oh it is still May isn't it?

And Hopefully by June my mind will have returned and I will be back to writing .... and driving because I seem to have misplaced my car ... I mean where did I park it?????

Where am I ??? no seriously ... Where am I?

Waking up slowly I pause ... I am definitely, still drunk The room is spinning and i haven't even opened my eyes. ok so there is an awful lot of noise ... what the hell is it? Ok Miss Melody Grace it is now time to pay the price. ....again!!!

I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.

SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....

Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!

Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring

"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................

In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.

The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.

A suprise additional blog ....

Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement

In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst

A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....

My Answer

Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst

It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.

My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat

Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear

Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs

This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....

So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday

People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am

I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own

For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx

I used to be indecisive but now .... I'm not so sure!

The 15th March 1994 .... Or 'The day I should have married'

I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).

The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......

Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'

'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........

The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.

We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????

We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.

In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)

It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...

So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone

1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour

'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......

Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????

It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.

Diamonds .....

'I'm sorry Miss Grace I just cant let you leave the room' I glared at the pretty much 7 foot security guard that had stood in my way, OK well he maybe wasn't that tall but keep in mind I'm only just over 5 ft ... every ones tall to me!
I reached round to the back of my neck and fumbled with the necklace trying to undo it, Marcus walks towards me ' Mel baby we are not trying to make you uncomfortable but this is a big deal and it was very nice of Mr James to offer to lend you these, you do want to look perfect don't you baby' Damn that man knows how to play me. Marcus has been my agent since I was 14 years old his company bought the small local firm I was with as a child performer. Marcus sees in me things I don't see in myself. He pushed me to attend an audition for a maid role in a burlesque show when I didn't think I could do it. He also convinced me to take some lessons when i found burlesque fascinating and he told me everyday that I could do it when I didn't think I could. The problem is that he also knows what to say, how to feed my inner good girl when my Diva struts out.

I took a deep breath removed the necklace placing it on the velvet box and slowly walking out of the room 'Miss Grace' I turned to look at a very uncomfortable security guard again ' the bracelet' looking down I started to giggle the string of diamonds around my wrist was more than my house I remember thinking that when they told me how much it was worth. The giggles became a laugh, I looked around the room all eyes were on me again.

'Help me out of it then' I said smiling to the security guard and lifting my hand I winked at him and smiled my sorry smile 'want to pat me down' I said in my best flirting manner and walked out the room in to the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed .... i cant even storm out of the room any more maybe it is a good thing I am retiring.

The door swings open and I wonder who lost rock, paper, scissors. The boys always use it as a way to decide who comes to deal with me. Steven put his head around the door 'hey is it safe to come in?' Steven or Dotty as I call him closes the door behind him in his usual efficient manner, everything Dotty does is executed with precision. It is what made him an amazing dancer and what makes him perfect as my stage manager. 'I'm fine dotty go back and get on I will be in in a minute' he stuck out his tongue and left the room. Like Marcus, Dotty has always been there he runs me day to day, he's my stage manager, my choreographer, my personal assistant, my dresser and my stage hand ... but I call him my maid. Dotty the maid and he's my best friend. He is the worst for feeding my Diva, he's so camp, and loves playing up to me. He uses his campness often backstage it gets him into the girls dressing room while they are changing, well he's gay isn't he .... Ah if only they knew Dotty is a tart he has more girls on the go than I have stilettos and that's saying something!

As I lie here giggling to myself at the absurdness of my life, I begin thinking ... how did I get to here? how did the little girl who liked going to dance classes on a saturday with her grandfather, end up in a posh hotel wearing diamonds worth more than her house. And now that its coming to an end ...what on earth am I going to do now?

new year new start....

At the beginning of 2009 I believed i was starting my year ... after years of being unhappy and going through huge amount of stress and bad luck, I had broken free at the end of 2008 ... so I was understandably excited about my new life ...


My old life had ended and my new life had begun ... the possibilities were endless and i intended living them all. It didnt work like that.


Many people will be making new years resolutions ... they will be planning to make 2010 their year. We put a great deal of emphasis on new starts, but a new start can only begin after a real ending.

I carried all the hurt and pain from 2008 with me into 2009.....

Sitting here now in 2010, I see last year differently ... so much has happened ... some good ....alot bad and i started to think ... well its ok 2010 will be my year!!!


But will it? Im not being pessimistic.... for the first time i think that maybe im being realistic. so I scrapped my resolutions ... I scraped plans to make this my best year ever instead im opting for this .... I aim to end 2010 having survived it .... thats all, if i can live each day and end each day without having killed myself or anyone else ... well then thats a good day


As my grandmother told me often "everyday above ground is a good day" so I going to spend this year being thankful that each day im above ground. If i dont put pressure on myself to make it perfect i cant be disappointed and i cant believe ive failed


Last year I went through some of the worst things a girl can go through ... serious ill health... abandonment.... deception.... money issues .... unemployment... and the list goes on

I also met some incredible people and succeeded in many of the things i had hoped i would ... x

So this year ... it wont be my year ... and to be honest im pleased about that ... Im not ready to have my best year .... because after that it will be all downhill.

when your making your resolutions ... remember they are for fun ....you wont even remember them by march

For what its worth heres my advice instead of resolutions ...... buy a lottery ticket tape it too a piece of paper and write 10 things you would do if you won the lottery ... then pin it somewhere you will see occasionally ... all the things on it are possibe .... we are swayed by money but the passion and want behind each materialistic want is an emotional need .... locate the emotonal need and find a less materialistic way of getting it .... dont try to change yourself with resolutions, look inside yourself and see what you really want ..... then make it happen

All the very best in 2010 ..... lets all just get out alive xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rememberance

At 11 oclock tomorrow. I will stand for 2 minutes, I will allow my thoughts to soak up the silence. For I am blessed with freedom... I will be thankful to all the men and women who have served in the forces to keep us free. Some of whom died many who did not.... but all of them gave of themselves for us.



During World War 2 my grandfather served with the Northumberland fusiliersfor 3 weeks before being captured and placed in Changii... he was then taken as part of the task force that built the now notorious Burma railway. My Grandfather was a quiet gentle man who cared not only for his own children but also raised his grand-daughter. He was supportive of me when I decided I was not ( like my family) a catholic and that I wanted to study paganism. He also fully supported my decision to become a dancer. he never questioned me. He told me that nothing could ever stop me but myself.



He dies when I was 12. With him died my greatest fan and strongest supported. Everything I have done was to prove to him I deserved his full love. Something he gave without question.



He gave of himself everyday to others as he did during his term in the forces.... He rarely talked about his time as a prisioner of war.... I know he ran the concert parties in the camp (I still have a call sheet he wrote for a christmas production).... I know he didnt eat for weeks and at times survived on raw chillies that grew on a tree outside the camp that they could reach through some bars.... I know it haunted him everyday that he survived and most of his friends did not. He told me thatthese men and women gave their lives so I could live mine as i wanted too.... That I did not have to have my freedom taken away from me and I should respect it and them. He was right.

Everday men and women sign up to join our armed forces. These people deserve more respect than we can give... and a lot more than 2 minutes once a year.

I cherish my freedom given to me by many I will never know or could ever comprehend.... and for that I am eternally grateful and proud to be british.


"They shall not grow old as we who are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them"

Oh ... right!!!!

" I am not high maintenance!!!!" I said with indignation..... my mind working through it. High maintenance women are spoilt ..... Oh!!! .... High maintenance women have to get their own way .... hmmm!!!!!...... High maintenance women need looking after ..... "I AM high maintenance"

I have always believed myself to be a strong independent woman ... I was financially and physically independent at 15. I had my own income and living in student digs ... I was on my own ... something I had been emotionally for many years

Now I was starting to realise that although I am on my own ... I am not independent ... I have always relied heavily on other people ... I didn't look after myself ... I just paid people to look after me!!!

I am the first to admit to having my Diva moments ... a few days ago I was writing about the evening I sent some poor boy out of the hotel early in the morning to find some fish and chips because the hotels idea of fish and chips was .... well far to posh for me

You see I don't think about it like that ... he was there to help me ... I wanted fish and chips ... so I sent him! Oh looking back I must have been a real bitch to work for ... why didn't they tell me to go fuck myself ... I would have

So why was I allowed to become high maintenance .... why am i still being allowed to be high maintenance ....

A few months ago I went to meet some friends in Manchester ... I had to change trains at York ... a simple task, people do it every day ... in my dimness I missed it (again something easily done). So what did I do ... did I (like most people) go to the information desk? Did I look for the next train on a bulletin board? .......No!

Did I find a porter walking along the platform and in my own special way get him to find out the information and take me to where I wanted to be and stay with me until I got on the train to make sure I didn't make a mistake .... Yes!!!

I'm nothing special ... I am no different to anyone else on the platform that day .... I don't think myself better than anyone .. in fact most of the time I think I'm worse than everyone else. But it has to be said people always seem to want to help me

I spent the weekend in a hotel recently and went down to breakfast ... a very nice buffet ... and I was amazed by the toaster ... it was almost magical you placed a piece of bread on the rack and it took the brad into the machine and when it popped out the other side it was toasted ... amazing!!! That morning I had 4 people in total help me with my breakfast ... showing me how things worked helping me reach things and just serving me food .... I didn't ask for help from any of them .......

So despite my reservations I am spoilt, I get my own way and I need looking after .. I am high maintenance

In a discussion about my need for High Maintenance Anonmous it was decided that the meeting would have to be at my house .... well they would have to come to me now wouldn't they!!!!

explaining the silence

its been a funny few weeks .... I lost the summer somehow ... I got sick again (yet more health drama) I lost my great aunt (a painful loss) and my best friend got married (a true joy)



looking back I think about the moments we come to in life and realise that everyone is a blessing because it builds us .... My constant fight with ill heath is a reminder to myself that Im not as strong as I would care to admit too. I have fought hard every day of my life to be independant that I have spent a lifetime pushing away anything that shows me as weak or vunerable. And yet... it is through these vunerable times we are the strongest ...

My Aunt was a strong catholic woman she was as wholesome as you could get, she ran the church flower committee with grace, she played organ for the church choir, was an upstanding member of the WI but she also had a taste for neat gin and dirty jazz. About 2 weeks before her death she paid one of her visits to me ... she was, as always, sat at my piano playing, gin at hand and making me sing, at 94 she looked amazing ..... I learnt so much from that lady and I miss her every day .... I sang 'young love for sale' at her funeral, a song about prostitution and drug use.... real smooth dirty jazz, just how she liked it as i looked around at her friends (in the catholic church) half were smiling, half looked horrified and I realised I got it right, just as she had for years be honest, do good and be true to yourself.

over a month later as I was sewing handmade satin flowers on my best friends wedding dress and was again practising to sing in another church I thought how different the two occasions were this time singing a beautiful love song for two people I hold dear to my heart. And even though the situations changed the emotion hadnt ... I sang during both occasions for people I loved deeply, to show their spirit ...

Ive only recently allowed myself to feel emotion .... it isnt easy and Im aware I slip easily back to the coldhearted shell I once was..... but I know that despite all I have said in the past, and all the fear of hurt I carry .... they were right it is all worth it .

New shoes...

Today I got a parcel i have been waiting for .... 5 inch heel spectator pumps from america ... for those that dont know about these go and look them up.... they are the shoes most associated with Hollywood icons of the 40's and 50's a time that those who know me will know i believe i should have lived through.

I was born to a generation that believes that as a woman should be equal to men. I should be treat exactly the same as them and not allowed any allowences for being a woman ...

I should be able to play football, change a tyre, drink pints until i pass out and wear jogging bottoms, scrap back my hair and burp on command .... I can do all these things and more I have 11 uncles that shaped my childhood ... I was always going somewhere and doing something with 'the boys'

But... I am not a man ... I was not a boy and although i can do those things what does it get me ... a sprained ankle and bruised shins, a drinks issue and the wrong sort of attention ...

I was born a girl I became a woman and there is nothing wrong with that ... I believe womanhood should be cherished, it gives us so much and i am not ashamed of using it

I work hard I always have and i always will I do not need a man to keep me I am capable of keeping myself, but (and this is where womens lib will slaughter me) I think I should be treat like a lady ....

It does not make me less of a person to have a gentleman hold a door for me ... it does not mean i am incapable if i have him carry my shopping bags ....

Men and women are different ... we are made that way ... I do not want to be a man, and like it or not i will use my femininity to get things i want ... (wrong perhaps but it works!)

by keeping my appearence smart and my make up crisp and clean, I will draw attention ... with a quite spoken voice i will encourage people to listen ... If i remain calm and cool people will give me the respect I deserve....Why would i not want that

Hate me all you like but with my new shoes my make up and clothes, I will win my arguement without much work.... you in your comfortable shoes and clothes ... would you?

Out of the dark

I have Bipolar disorder ... I can say that now ... its quite the fashion item.
It makes me cool

A few years ago ... (when it was called manic depression) noone would use the words, they... people would look at me and wonder what the hell was wrong with me ...

Mental illness is something that has always been around, and I have recently heard it said that there is more cases of depression reported now than ever before ... but the thinking that depression is on the rise is wrong ... the vital word in the statement is 'reported'

Now there is so much that can be done to help people and its not a straight jacket and a sedative (although sometimes i think i may need it)

I was 15 when I first was told i had depression and 19 when I was told i had the then named Manic depression ... and i was 27 before anyone explained what that meant and by then I was Bipolar (although i still prefer manic ... sounds much better)

I am (as of yesterday) 34 and now I understand it, but it doesnt stop being scarey or life changing as you are experiencing it ....

I have nothing of importance to say about depression ... but maybe a small piece of advice

when someone is depressed ... a real chemical depression rather than a reactive depression there is nothing friends and family can do ... there are no words no actions or steps to be taken the person needs to go through it one step at a time ...... but the one thing you can do is to be there half a step behind .... close enough for them to reach out ... so close they can hear your breathing ... you do not need to speak or guide or push

A special person has just done that for me ... he sat each night in my blackness he adjusted his vision to my dark he allowed me to feel my pain and accepted that there was nothing he could do but be there for me, for that I will be eternally grateful .....

To all my friends thank you and I love you. I owe you my life xxx

Happy birthday litle girl!

On June 13th 2000 at 1022am a baby girl was removed from me .... for 13 seconds there was silence .... as they tried to get her to breathe

This baby was alway meant to be a fighter ... I was not able to have children (they told me that when I was 14!) .... I had a drunken encounter with a man I shouldnt have (condom used!) ... I drank heavily took substances that I shouldnt ... never ate or slept ..... forced myself into corsets and danced for hours most nights ...... I was 22 weeks pregnant before I knew it .....

knowing I was didnt make me stop ...... I couldnt!!!

I had my first pre-natal check the day before my daughter was born ... I had been rushed to hospital I was so ill ..... I had pre eclampsia. The baby was traverse and i had placenta previa ... had I gone into labour naturally my baby would have died.... and possibly me too! I was rushed in for a emergency c-section.

In those 13 seconds my world stopped the silence was deafening ..... I hadnt even met her and I knew I had to survive ....and so did she .... then came the cry ...

a noise I was to hear a lot more from that point ... a noise I would go on to hate ... but at that moment my old life stopped and my new one started.

The last 9 years have been a rollercoaster .... ups and downs highs and lows ..... but I seem to have got her through in one piece

As I kissed my birthday girl tonight I looked down at a 9 year old girl ... who everyday amazes me and I realise again that I created a miracle and she fought to be with me .... and I fought to be with her

Of all the things I have achieved in my life her and her little brother are my greatest works

Happy 9th birthday my shining star ....................xxxx

A little bit of everything....

So here I am ... Shame I dont know where 'here' is!

Im not sure I even know where 'there' was ... I remember there was dancing ... singing ... and parties that would blow your mind. There was people many many people all playing their part ... and me there in the middle.

Then there was the silence .... despite the strange buzzing in my ear!

But all that is over now .....

Now Im an ex-dancer .... I do not perform ... well .....not for the public!

In a moment of sanity .... (or maybe in hindsight it was insanity) I retrained as a psychologist!

That ended too!

Now Im an ex-dancing psychologist with a plan .... well at least a thought and maybe as I go along it will become a plan .....

Stick with me its going to be a fun journey .... Oh and the stories I could tell you!!!!!