continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds

I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.

“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.

Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.

I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.

Where am I ??? no seriously ... Where am I?

Waking up slowly I pause ... I am definitely, still drunk The room is spinning and i haven't even opened my eyes. ok so there is an awful lot of noise ... what the hell is it? Ok Miss Melody Grace it is now time to pay the price. ....again!!!

I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.

SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....

Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!

Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring

"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................

In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.

The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.

New shoes...

Today I got a parcel i have been waiting for .... 5 inch heel spectator pumps from america ... for those that dont know about these go and look them up.... they are the shoes most associated with Hollywood icons of the 40's and 50's a time that those who know me will know i believe i should have lived through.

I was born to a generation that believes that as a woman should be equal to men. I should be treat exactly the same as them and not allowed any allowences for being a woman ...

I should be able to play football, change a tyre, drink pints until i pass out and wear jogging bottoms, scrap back my hair and burp on command .... I can do all these things and more I have 11 uncles that shaped my childhood ... I was always going somewhere and doing something with 'the boys'

But... I am not a man ... I was not a boy and although i can do those things what does it get me ... a sprained ankle and bruised shins, a drinks issue and the wrong sort of attention ...

I was born a girl I became a woman and there is nothing wrong with that ... I believe womanhood should be cherished, it gives us so much and i am not ashamed of using it

I work hard I always have and i always will I do not need a man to keep me I am capable of keeping myself, but (and this is where womens lib will slaughter me) I think I should be treat like a lady ....

It does not make me less of a person to have a gentleman hold a door for me ... it does not mean i am incapable if i have him carry my shopping bags ....

Men and women are different ... we are made that way ... I do not want to be a man, and like it or not i will use my femininity to get things i want ... (wrong perhaps but it works!)

by keeping my appearence smart and my make up crisp and clean, I will draw attention ... with a quite spoken voice i will encourage people to listen ... If i remain calm and cool people will give me the respect I deserve....Why would i not want that

Hate me all you like but with my new shoes my make up and clothes, I will win my arguement without much work.... you in your comfortable shoes and clothes ... would you?