continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds

I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.

“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.

Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.

I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.

The excuses of a lazy blogger!!!

It was summer ..
I started a new exercise routine..
I had a lot of studying to do..
My editor moved away so I didn't have him pushing me..(yes I am using you as an excuse)..
A friend has been trying to get me back to burlesque dancing and I had to practise (yes I'm using you too!!)
CBT was getting deep and meaningful ..

Ok Ok ....truth is I'm lazy and time flies so fast now .... and well I lost my mojo.

It is unbelieveable to me that it is now November, I look and wonder if i have filled my time the best I could and well honestly the answer to that is probably no ... but then who does.

I was thinking about death today (in an uplifting live for the moment rather than a depressing end of everything way) and I remember being in hospital thinking if I can just get through this in one piece I will never waste time again ... I made huge changes in my life after that.
I left an unhappy marriage, I quit the job that caused me nothing but pain, I made a stand against the people in my life that brought me down and I started on the path of me.

3 years later my circumstances are different ... at a glance to most people I'm worse off. financially I am, physically I am , but in my heart and through out my soul .... which is where it matters ... the profit is huge.
Sometimes in the dire day to day I forget that ... but today with death in my mind I remembered it loud and clear.

So today I found my mojo again ... will it make me a less lazy blogger ... well probably not.

Mays blog...hmmmm

I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what to write about this month. I keep thinking I have a topic .... i write some lines and then stop.

nothing is inspiring me .... everything is blah!!!!

everything in my life is a mess ... not in a bad way... not in a ' I'm a mess and i cant cope come lock me up' way ... more the 'where is my bag and have you moved the car??' way

sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it decides to have a holiday... "that's it I've had enough I'm off, call me when you sort this lot out" ... alright for my mind but I'm the one left to pick up the pieces ... I mean where did i park the car?

In general I can be very very random ... I will ask a question out of the blue because if I don't I cant be sure I will remember later. I carry a notebook with me everywhere and i write down everything i have to do ... because I will forget ... if it isn't in the book it doesn't get done. Even my children have worked that out ... when i used to go away for work the girl would write in the book 'buy me a book' even now i find shopping list .... hey its the girl that reminds me what day PE is so i remember to pack the sports kit.

But this is a different situation I can spend 3 hours doing a 20 min job because i'm just floating and i forget everything .... I mean where exactly did I park my car?

Writing at the moment is impossible I couldn't remember who I am let alone what I was doing 16 years ago. And I don't have the focus to read .... I went to the model railway to do some work but I didn't get much done and glued more fence posts to me than anything else. So maybe my mind has the right idea .... maybe I need a holiday

So this Months blog is too tell you Ive gone on holiday ... I'm taking a break.... there will be no May blog ... Oh it is still May isn't it?

And Hopefully by June my mind will have returned and I will be back to writing .... and driving because I seem to have misplaced my car ... I mean where did I park it?????

Where am I ??? no seriously ... Where am I?

Waking up slowly I pause ... I am definitely, still drunk The room is spinning and i haven't even opened my eyes. ok so there is an awful lot of noise ... what the hell is it? Ok Miss Melody Grace it is now time to pay the price. ....again!!!

I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.

SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....

Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!

Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring

"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................

In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.

The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.