Summer is ending and it will be a relief for me

Well the children return to school next week and that means I made it through the summer. The weather mirrored my mood some times warm and sunny often dark and gloomy.

I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.

I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.

I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.

Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks

to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.

I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent

Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx

A suprise additional blog ....

Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement

In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst

A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....

My Answer

Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst

It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.

My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat

Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear

Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs

This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....

So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday

People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am

I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own

For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx

Out of the dark

I have Bipolar disorder ... I can say that now ... its quite the fashion item.
It makes me cool

A few years ago ... (when it was called manic depression) noone would use the words, they... people would look at me and wonder what the hell was wrong with me ...

Mental illness is something that has always been around, and I have recently heard it said that there is more cases of depression reported now than ever before ... but the thinking that depression is on the rise is wrong ... the vital word in the statement is 'reported'

Now there is so much that can be done to help people and its not a straight jacket and a sedative (although sometimes i think i may need it)

I was 15 when I first was told i had depression and 19 when I was told i had the then named Manic depression ... and i was 27 before anyone explained what that meant and by then I was Bipolar (although i still prefer manic ... sounds much better)

I am (as of yesterday) 34 and now I understand it, but it doesnt stop being scarey or life changing as you are experiencing it ....

I have nothing of importance to say about depression ... but maybe a small piece of advice

when someone is depressed ... a real chemical depression rather than a reactive depression there is nothing friends and family can do ... there are no words no actions or steps to be taken the person needs to go through it one step at a time ...... but the one thing you can do is to be there half a step behind .... close enough for them to reach out ... so close they can hear your breathing ... you do not need to speak or guide or push

A special person has just done that for me ... he sat each night in my blackness he adjusted his vision to my dark he allowed me to feel my pain and accepted that there was nothing he could do but be there for me, for that I will be eternally grateful .....

To all my friends thank you and I love you. I owe you my life xxx