explaining the silence

its been a funny few weeks .... I lost the summer somehow ... I got sick again (yet more health drama) I lost my great aunt (a painful loss) and my best friend got married (a true joy)



looking back I think about the moments we come to in life and realise that everyone is a blessing because it builds us .... My constant fight with ill heath is a reminder to myself that Im not as strong as I would care to admit too. I have fought hard every day of my life to be independant that I have spent a lifetime pushing away anything that shows me as weak or vunerable. And yet... it is through these vunerable times we are the strongest ...

My Aunt was a strong catholic woman she was as wholesome as you could get, she ran the church flower committee with grace, she played organ for the church choir, was an upstanding member of the WI but she also had a taste for neat gin and dirty jazz. About 2 weeks before her death she paid one of her visits to me ... she was, as always, sat at my piano playing, gin at hand and making me sing, at 94 she looked amazing ..... I learnt so much from that lady and I miss her every day .... I sang 'young love for sale' at her funeral, a song about prostitution and drug use.... real smooth dirty jazz, just how she liked it as i looked around at her friends (in the catholic church) half were smiling, half looked horrified and I realised I got it right, just as she had for years be honest, do good and be true to yourself.

over a month later as I was sewing handmade satin flowers on my best friends wedding dress and was again practising to sing in another church I thought how different the two occasions were this time singing a beautiful love song for two people I hold dear to my heart. And even though the situations changed the emotion hadnt ... I sang during both occasions for people I loved deeply, to show their spirit ...

Ive only recently allowed myself to feel emotion .... it isnt easy and Im aware I slip easily back to the coldhearted shell I once was..... but I know that despite all I have said in the past, and all the fear of hurt I carry .... they were right it is all worth it .