A suprise additional blog ....

Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement

In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst

A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....

My Answer

Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst

It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.

My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat

Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear

Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs

This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....

So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday

People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am

I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own

For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx

explaining the silence

its been a funny few weeks .... I lost the summer somehow ... I got sick again (yet more health drama) I lost my great aunt (a painful loss) and my best friend got married (a true joy)



looking back I think about the moments we come to in life and realise that everyone is a blessing because it builds us .... My constant fight with ill heath is a reminder to myself that Im not as strong as I would care to admit too. I have fought hard every day of my life to be independant that I have spent a lifetime pushing away anything that shows me as weak or vunerable. And yet... it is through these vunerable times we are the strongest ...

My Aunt was a strong catholic woman she was as wholesome as you could get, she ran the church flower committee with grace, she played organ for the church choir, was an upstanding member of the WI but she also had a taste for neat gin and dirty jazz. About 2 weeks before her death she paid one of her visits to me ... she was, as always, sat at my piano playing, gin at hand and making me sing, at 94 she looked amazing ..... I learnt so much from that lady and I miss her every day .... I sang 'young love for sale' at her funeral, a song about prostitution and drug use.... real smooth dirty jazz, just how she liked it as i looked around at her friends (in the catholic church) half were smiling, half looked horrified and I realised I got it right, just as she had for years be honest, do good and be true to yourself.

over a month later as I was sewing handmade satin flowers on my best friends wedding dress and was again practising to sing in another church I thought how different the two occasions were this time singing a beautiful love song for two people I hold dear to my heart. And even though the situations changed the emotion hadnt ... I sang during both occasions for people I loved deeply, to show their spirit ...

Ive only recently allowed myself to feel emotion .... it isnt easy and Im aware I slip easily back to the coldhearted shell I once was..... but I know that despite all I have said in the past, and all the fear of hurt I carry .... they were right it is all worth it .