continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds

I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.

“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.

Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.

I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.

I used to be indecisive but now .... I'm not so sure!

The 15th March 1994 .... Or 'The day I should have married'

I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).

The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......

Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'

'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........

The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.

We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????

We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.

In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)

It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...

So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone

1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour

'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......

Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????

It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.