Summer is ending and it will be a relief for me

Well the children return to school next week and that means I made it through the summer. The weather mirrored my mood some times warm and sunny often dark and gloomy.

I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.

I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.

I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.

Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks

to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.

I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent

Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx

Out of the dark

I have Bipolar disorder ... I can say that now ... its quite the fashion item.
It makes me cool

A few years ago ... (when it was called manic depression) noone would use the words, they... people would look at me and wonder what the hell was wrong with me ...

Mental illness is something that has always been around, and I have recently heard it said that there is more cases of depression reported now than ever before ... but the thinking that depression is on the rise is wrong ... the vital word in the statement is 'reported'

Now there is so much that can be done to help people and its not a straight jacket and a sedative (although sometimes i think i may need it)

I was 15 when I first was told i had depression and 19 when I was told i had the then named Manic depression ... and i was 27 before anyone explained what that meant and by then I was Bipolar (although i still prefer manic ... sounds much better)

I am (as of yesterday) 34 and now I understand it, but it doesnt stop being scarey or life changing as you are experiencing it ....

I have nothing of importance to say about depression ... but maybe a small piece of advice

when someone is depressed ... a real chemical depression rather than a reactive depression there is nothing friends and family can do ... there are no words no actions or steps to be taken the person needs to go through it one step at a time ...... but the one thing you can do is to be there half a step behind .... close enough for them to reach out ... so close they can hear your breathing ... you do not need to speak or guide or push

A special person has just done that for me ... he sat each night in my blackness he adjusted his vision to my dark he allowed me to feel my pain and accepted that there was nothing he could do but be there for me, for that I will be eternally grateful .....

To all my friends thank you and I love you. I owe you my life xxx