I used to be indecisive but now .... I'm not so sure!

The 15th March 1994 .... Or 'The day I should have married'

I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).

The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......

Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'

'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........

The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.

We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????

We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.

In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)

It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...

So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone

1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour

'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......

Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????

It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.