The excuses of a lazy blogger!!!

It was summer ..
I started a new exercise routine..
I had a lot of studying to do..
My editor moved away so I didn't have him pushing me..(yes I am using you as an excuse)..
A friend has been trying to get me back to burlesque dancing and I had to practise (yes I'm using you too!!)
CBT was getting deep and meaningful ..

Ok Ok ....truth is I'm lazy and time flies so fast now .... and well I lost my mojo.

It is unbelieveable to me that it is now November, I look and wonder if i have filled my time the best I could and well honestly the answer to that is probably no ... but then who does.

I was thinking about death today (in an uplifting live for the moment rather than a depressing end of everything way) and I remember being in hospital thinking if I can just get through this in one piece I will never waste time again ... I made huge changes in my life after that.
I left an unhappy marriage, I quit the job that caused me nothing but pain, I made a stand against the people in my life that brought me down and I started on the path of me.

3 years later my circumstances are different ... at a glance to most people I'm worse off. financially I am, physically I am , but in my heart and through out my soul .... which is where it matters ... the profit is huge.
Sometimes in the dire day to day I forget that ... but today with death in my mind I remembered it loud and clear.

So today I found my mojo again ... will it make me a less lazy blogger ... well probably not.

Summer is ending and it will be a relief for me

Well the children return to school next week and that means I made it through the summer. The weather mirrored my mood some times warm and sunny often dark and gloomy.

I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.

I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.

I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.

Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks

to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.

I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent

Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx

Mays blog...hmmmm

I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what to write about this month. I keep thinking I have a topic .... i write some lines and then stop.

nothing is inspiring me .... everything is blah!!!!

everything in my life is a mess ... not in a bad way... not in a ' I'm a mess and i cant cope come lock me up' way ... more the 'where is my bag and have you moved the car??' way

sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it decides to have a holiday... "that's it I've had enough I'm off, call me when you sort this lot out" ... alright for my mind but I'm the one left to pick up the pieces ... I mean where did i park the car?

In general I can be very very random ... I will ask a question out of the blue because if I don't I cant be sure I will remember later. I carry a notebook with me everywhere and i write down everything i have to do ... because I will forget ... if it isn't in the book it doesn't get done. Even my children have worked that out ... when i used to go away for work the girl would write in the book 'buy me a book' even now i find shopping list .... hey its the girl that reminds me what day PE is so i remember to pack the sports kit.

But this is a different situation I can spend 3 hours doing a 20 min job because i'm just floating and i forget everything .... I mean where exactly did I park my car?

Writing at the moment is impossible I couldn't remember who I am let alone what I was doing 16 years ago. And I don't have the focus to read .... I went to the model railway to do some work but I didn't get much done and glued more fence posts to me than anything else. So maybe my mind has the right idea .... maybe I need a holiday

So this Months blog is too tell you Ive gone on holiday ... I'm taking a break.... there will be no May blog ... Oh it is still May isn't it?

And Hopefully by June my mind will have returned and I will be back to writing .... and driving because I seem to have misplaced my car ... I mean where did I park it?????

Where am I ??? no seriously ... Where am I?

Waking up slowly I pause ... I am definitely, still drunk The room is spinning and i haven't even opened my eyes. ok so there is an awful lot of noise ... what the hell is it? Ok Miss Melody Grace it is now time to pay the price. ....again!!!

I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.

SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....

Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!

Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring

"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................

In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.

The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.

A suprise additional blog ....

Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement

In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst

A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....

My Answer

Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst

It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.

My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat

Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear

Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs

This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....

So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday

People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am

I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own

For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx

I used to be indecisive but now .... I'm not so sure!

The 15th March 1994 .... Or 'The day I should have married'

I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).

The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......

Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'

'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........

The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.

We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????

We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.

In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)

It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...

So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone

1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour

'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......

Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????

It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.

Diamonds .....

'I'm sorry Miss Grace I just cant let you leave the room' I glared at the pretty much 7 foot security guard that had stood in my way, OK well he maybe wasn't that tall but keep in mind I'm only just over 5 ft ... every ones tall to me!
I reached round to the back of my neck and fumbled with the necklace trying to undo it, Marcus walks towards me ' Mel baby we are not trying to make you uncomfortable but this is a big deal and it was very nice of Mr James to offer to lend you these, you do want to look perfect don't you baby' Damn that man knows how to play me. Marcus has been my agent since I was 14 years old his company bought the small local firm I was with as a child performer. Marcus sees in me things I don't see in myself. He pushed me to attend an audition for a maid role in a burlesque show when I didn't think I could do it. He also convinced me to take some lessons when i found burlesque fascinating and he told me everyday that I could do it when I didn't think I could. The problem is that he also knows what to say, how to feed my inner good girl when my Diva struts out.

I took a deep breath removed the necklace placing it on the velvet box and slowly walking out of the room 'Miss Grace' I turned to look at a very uncomfortable security guard again ' the bracelet' looking down I started to giggle the string of diamonds around my wrist was more than my house I remember thinking that when they told me how much it was worth. The giggles became a laugh, I looked around the room all eyes were on me again.

'Help me out of it then' I said smiling to the security guard and lifting my hand I winked at him and smiled my sorry smile 'want to pat me down' I said in my best flirting manner and walked out the room in to the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed .... i cant even storm out of the room any more maybe it is a good thing I am retiring.

The door swings open and I wonder who lost rock, paper, scissors. The boys always use it as a way to decide who comes to deal with me. Steven put his head around the door 'hey is it safe to come in?' Steven or Dotty as I call him closes the door behind him in his usual efficient manner, everything Dotty does is executed with precision. It is what made him an amazing dancer and what makes him perfect as my stage manager. 'I'm fine dotty go back and get on I will be in in a minute' he stuck out his tongue and left the room. Like Marcus, Dotty has always been there he runs me day to day, he's my stage manager, my choreographer, my personal assistant, my dresser and my stage hand ... but I call him my maid. Dotty the maid and he's my best friend. He is the worst for feeding my Diva, he's so camp, and loves playing up to me. He uses his campness often backstage it gets him into the girls dressing room while they are changing, well he's gay isn't he .... Ah if only they knew Dotty is a tart he has more girls on the go than I have stilettos and that's saying something!

As I lie here giggling to myself at the absurdness of my life, I begin thinking ... how did I get to here? how did the little girl who liked going to dance classes on a saturday with her grandfather, end up in a posh hotel wearing diamonds worth more than her house. And now that its coming to an end ...what on earth am I going to do now?

new year new start....

At the beginning of 2009 I believed i was starting my year ... after years of being unhappy and going through huge amount of stress and bad luck, I had broken free at the end of 2008 ... so I was understandably excited about my new life ...


My old life had ended and my new life had begun ... the possibilities were endless and i intended living them all. It didnt work like that.


Many people will be making new years resolutions ... they will be planning to make 2010 their year. We put a great deal of emphasis on new starts, but a new start can only begin after a real ending.

I carried all the hurt and pain from 2008 with me into 2009.....

Sitting here now in 2010, I see last year differently ... so much has happened ... some good ....alot bad and i started to think ... well its ok 2010 will be my year!!!


But will it? Im not being pessimistic.... for the first time i think that maybe im being realistic. so I scrapped my resolutions ... I scraped plans to make this my best year ever instead im opting for this .... I aim to end 2010 having survived it .... thats all, if i can live each day and end each day without having killed myself or anyone else ... well then thats a good day


As my grandmother told me often "everyday above ground is a good day" so I going to spend this year being thankful that each day im above ground. If i dont put pressure on myself to make it perfect i cant be disappointed and i cant believe ive failed


Last year I went through some of the worst things a girl can go through ... serious ill health... abandonment.... deception.... money issues .... unemployment... and the list goes on

I also met some incredible people and succeeded in many of the things i had hoped i would ... x

So this year ... it wont be my year ... and to be honest im pleased about that ... Im not ready to have my best year .... because after that it will be all downhill.

when your making your resolutions ... remember they are for fun ....you wont even remember them by march

For what its worth heres my advice instead of resolutions ...... buy a lottery ticket tape it too a piece of paper and write 10 things you would do if you won the lottery ... then pin it somewhere you will see occasionally ... all the things on it are possibe .... we are swayed by money but the passion and want behind each materialistic want is an emotional need .... locate the emotonal need and find a less materialistic way of getting it .... dont try to change yourself with resolutions, look inside yourself and see what you really want ..... then make it happen

All the very best in 2010 ..... lets all just get out alive xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx