Sunday 4 August 2013
The Caged Bird
"A Peacock?... seriously?"
The sighs resonate around the room, and collectively they take a deep breath.
"I’m sure you all think it will look 'amazing' but your asking me to stand on stage dressed as a peacock. Surely I have to feel comfortable in it... don’t I?"
Handing over the control of any part of my performance was difficult for me ... since the beginning of all this I have done it all myself, choreography, music, costume, makeup and hair ... it may not have been perfect but it was me, and now I’m supposed to be perfect so my choices aren’t good enough....
"Miss Grace if you would just look at these sketches" now it was my turn to sigh, fine I will look but I wont like them. Browsing pictures I ache a little inside several sketches showed all angles of a purple satin corset overlaid with turquoise lace. A waterfall of peacock feathers flow down the back replacing the usual bustled skirt. I couldn’t deny that it was going to be a stunning outfit. Better than anything I had ever worn in the past. Why did I feel so hemmed in? I wanted to be excited glad of this enormous opportunity. Why couldn’t I see the shining lights the others were so certain of?
Looking around me I saw the trappings of where I was headed. The hotel was breathtaking. This wasn’t just the usual bed and wardrobe that had been my staple for the last few years. I missed the tightness of the travel lodge. The familiar bedding, the tea tray. Here I have a separate bedroom and sitting room. Hey I have more room here than in my pokey flat, and if I want tea I just lift the phone and the efficient voice at the other end sends me it in a real bone china cup and saucer.
The pictures are still in my hands and their faces are looking towards me like I have the answer. Like I have any choice in this. I move to the desk and the costume designer follows me
“Could we perhaps extend the lace up over the shoulder to make a sleeve add some opera length gloves and it will be fine” It would be spectacular but I certainly couldn’t admit to that now. There was a lot of shuffling as people headed out the room. Hardly another word was said to me. The rehearsal hall would be available from 3 and a car would collect me at 2.30. I nodded my acknowledgement as they left me in opulence but also alone and in silence. I stood a moment realising I had 3 hours. Maybe I could go out and get lunch somewhere nice. Do some shopping. I looked out of my window. I was too high to work out what anything was on this street. I pause for a moment; I don’t think I even know where I am.
I pick up the phone and after only one ring the efficient voice says “Good morning Miss Grace what can I do to help you” Honestly I think to myself, I don’t know.
Saturday 26 February 2011
continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds
I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.
“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.
Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.
I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.
“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.
Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.
I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.
Thursday 4 November 2010
The excuses of a lazy blogger!!!
It was summer ..
I started a new exercise routine..
I had a lot of studying to do..
My editor moved away so I didn't have him pushing me..(yes I am using you as an excuse)..
A friend has been trying to get me back to burlesque dancing and I had to practise (yes I'm using you too!!)
CBT was getting deep and meaningful ..
Ok Ok ....truth is I'm lazy and time flies so fast now .... and well I lost my mojo.
It is unbelieveable to me that it is now November, I look and wonder if i have filled my time the best I could and well honestly the answer to that is probably no ... but then who does.
I was thinking about death today (in an uplifting live for the moment rather than a depressing end of everything way) and I remember being in hospital thinking if I can just get through this in one piece I will never waste time again ... I made huge changes in my life after that.
I left an unhappy marriage, I quit the job that caused me nothing but pain, I made a stand against the people in my life that brought me down and I started on the path of me.
3 years later my circumstances are different ... at a glance to most people I'm worse off. financially I am, physically I am , but in my heart and through out my soul .... which is where it matters ... the profit is huge.
Sometimes in the dire day to day I forget that ... but today with death in my mind I remembered it loud and clear.
So today I found my mojo again ... will it make me a less lazy blogger ... well probably not.
I started a new exercise routine..
I had a lot of studying to do..
My editor moved away so I didn't have him pushing me..(yes I am using you as an excuse)..
A friend has been trying to get me back to burlesque dancing and I had to practise (yes I'm using you too!!)
CBT was getting deep and meaningful ..
Ok Ok ....truth is I'm lazy and time flies so fast now .... and well I lost my mojo.
It is unbelieveable to me that it is now November, I look and wonder if i have filled my time the best I could and well honestly the answer to that is probably no ... but then who does.
I was thinking about death today (in an uplifting live for the moment rather than a depressing end of everything way) and I remember being in hospital thinking if I can just get through this in one piece I will never waste time again ... I made huge changes in my life after that.
I left an unhappy marriage, I quit the job that caused me nothing but pain, I made a stand against the people in my life that brought me down and I started on the path of me.
3 years later my circumstances are different ... at a glance to most people I'm worse off. financially I am, physically I am , but in my heart and through out my soul .... which is where it matters ... the profit is huge.
Sometimes in the dire day to day I forget that ... but today with death in my mind I remembered it loud and clear.
So today I found my mojo again ... will it make me a less lazy blogger ... well probably not.
Friday 3 September 2010
Summer is ending and it will be a relief for me
Well the children return to school next week and that means I made it through the summer. The weather mirrored my mood some times warm and sunny often dark and gloomy.
I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.
I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.
I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.
Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks
to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.
I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent
Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx
I have been working hard on the cbt and have had the last 3 weeks off ... a thought that at one time would have made me panic and sent me over the edge but now .... well I have barely noticed.
I have been reading back over my blogs and i see huge changes in them, my physical situation isnt much better but what i have found is that I have grown ... Im no longer an uncertain girl clinging to the past.
I still have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that when i get to where i'm going it will be me that arrives .... there is no more pretending to be what I'm not any more.
Despite believing Im worthless and despite a core fear of being difficult and too much work to care about. I am seeing that the opposite is true. I have worth and i have potential to have so much more. I will fail at times, I cant alway be perfect but that doesnt mean I'm not a good person, no matter what my family thinks
to quote Marilyn Monroe ....... I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.
I'm lucky to be loved, Im lucky to have some great friends, I'm even learning to be comfortable with my family. The rest will fall in place, in time the rest will work itself out.... but developing the strong sense of self is time well spent
Thank you all of you who have stayed with me and reminded me that I am not what i thought I was xxxxxxxx
Saturday 22 May 2010
Mays blog...hmmmm
I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what to write about this month. I keep thinking I have a topic .... i write some lines and then stop.
nothing is inspiring me .... everything is blah!!!!
everything in my life is a mess ... not in a bad way... not in a ' I'm a mess and i cant cope come lock me up' way ... more the 'where is my bag and have you moved the car??' way
sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it decides to have a holiday... "that's it I've had enough I'm off, call me when you sort this lot out" ... alright for my mind but I'm the one left to pick up the pieces ... I mean where did i park the car?
In general I can be very very random ... I will ask a question out of the blue because if I don't I cant be sure I will remember later. I carry a notebook with me everywhere and i write down everything i have to do ... because I will forget ... if it isn't in the book it doesn't get done. Even my children have worked that out ... when i used to go away for work the girl would write in the book 'buy me a book' even now i find shopping list .... hey its the girl that reminds me what day PE is so i remember to pack the sports kit.
But this is a different situation I can spend 3 hours doing a 20 min job because i'm just floating and i forget everything .... I mean where exactly did I park my car?
Writing at the moment is impossible I couldn't remember who I am let alone what I was doing 16 years ago. And I don't have the focus to read .... I went to the model railway to do some work but I didn't get much done and glued more fence posts to me than anything else. So maybe my mind has the right idea .... maybe I need a holiday
So this Months blog is too tell you Ive gone on holiday ... I'm taking a break.... there will be no May blog ... Oh it is still May isn't it?
And Hopefully by June my mind will have returned and I will be back to writing .... and driving because I seem to have misplaced my car ... I mean where did I park it?????
nothing is inspiring me .... everything is blah!!!!
everything in my life is a mess ... not in a bad way... not in a ' I'm a mess and i cant cope come lock me up' way ... more the 'where is my bag and have you moved the car??' way
sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it decides to have a holiday... "that's it I've had enough I'm off, call me when you sort this lot out" ... alright for my mind but I'm the one left to pick up the pieces ... I mean where did i park the car?
In general I can be very very random ... I will ask a question out of the blue because if I don't I cant be sure I will remember later. I carry a notebook with me everywhere and i write down everything i have to do ... because I will forget ... if it isn't in the book it doesn't get done. Even my children have worked that out ... when i used to go away for work the girl would write in the book 'buy me a book' even now i find shopping list .... hey its the girl that reminds me what day PE is so i remember to pack the sports kit.
But this is a different situation I can spend 3 hours doing a 20 min job because i'm just floating and i forget everything .... I mean where exactly did I park my car?
Writing at the moment is impossible I couldn't remember who I am let alone what I was doing 16 years ago. And I don't have the focus to read .... I went to the model railway to do some work but I didn't get much done and glued more fence posts to me than anything else. So maybe my mind has the right idea .... maybe I need a holiday
So this Months blog is too tell you Ive gone on holiday ... I'm taking a break.... there will be no May blog ... Oh it is still May isn't it?
And Hopefully by June my mind will have returned and I will be back to writing .... and driving because I seem to have misplaced my car ... I mean where did I park it?????
Sunday 18 April 2010
Where am I ??? no seriously ... Where am I?
Waking up slowly I pause ... I am definitely, still drunk The room is spinning and i haven't even opened my eyes. ok so there is an awful lot of noise ... what the hell is it? Ok Miss Melody Grace it is now time to pay the price. ....again!!!
I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.
SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....
Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!
Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring
"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................
In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.
The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.
I close my eyes as quickly as i had opened them ... now that was a very bright light. I wish my head would stop spinning ... I need a drink my throat is killing ... Ok ok ok ok I need to open my eyes! maybe just one .... slowly slowly focusing through the light everything seems to be white ... I thought the room was green?? Ok so just for a change I didn't make it back to my hotel room....when will i learn.
SO where am I and am I alone? Ok I know I haven't had sex ... I never do I may act like a slut but even in these times i know at my drunkest I manage to remain a prude, but that doesn't mean I'm alone here. Now if I reach out and there is someone there I may wake them up ... hmmm.... I know from experience that if I'm careful i can get up and out before they wake....
Right I need some information ... think girl ... what can you remember ... Gig at the hotel... I have a room there .... Damn I should pay more attention to what Marcus is telling me .... The Grand? The Royal? the Excelsior? Damn damn damn ..... Wait do I remember any transport ... I maybe in the same hotel...hmmmm .....Bloody hell what is that noise it is really irritating ... opening my eyes a little more .....its just all white.... Ok just try sitting up ..... AHHHHH I'm attached to the bed ... what the hell have i been doing this time!!!!
Ok you need to focus. Shit my throat hurts and why cant I cough.... wait there is something in my throat ... and that noise is a beeping ... and whirring
"Melody welcome back, I'm ward nurse Jenkins the Dr will be with you soon" ...................
In June 1997 I performed ... then like every other night i went to the bar where I know for certain i was plied with drinks ... I know I flirted I always do ..... I don't remember it but I know it happened because that is what happened every night. I know that after a few hours the plan had been to move on to a party ... again nothing out of the ordinary there .... what was different is that as i stood to leave I collapsed. I know an ambulance was called and I was taken to hospital.
The next 2 months of my life was spent in rehab ... turns out living on no food and drinking a weeks supply of alcohol in a day and sleeping only when i passed out didn't suit me ...... and I stopped. it was the first time it happened but it wouldn't be the last.
Saturday 27 March 2010
A suprise additional blog ....
Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement
In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst
A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....
My Answer
Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst
It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.
My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat
Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear
Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs
This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....
So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday
People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am
I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own
For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx
In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst
A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....
My Answer
Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst
It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.
My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat
Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear
Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs
This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....
So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday
People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am
I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own
For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx
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