Most of my followers will know I am in the process of trying to sort myself out of a bad bipolar episode .... I have recently started Cogative Behaviour Therapy and to say it is hard is an understatement
In my life I have had alot of minor episodes and a few major ones ... this one is bad ... it is possibly one of the worst
A friend asked me this morning to try to explain how I felt, how it makes me feel going through this ....
My Answer
Having been through some very physical pain (countless operations and serious damage) I have to say this emotional pain is by far the worst
It is like my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body leaving a gaping wound an emptiness that aches. my stomache is so heavy it drags to the floor. My head hurts pounding and my eyes sting.
My mind races with thoughts I do not know because I cant catch one to see it. I have no ability to focus enough to process a basic thought .... just to be able to make a decision about what I am going to eat
Everything around me is just a noise ... it confuses me ... music (my once saving grace) just irritates me, even a conversation on the telephone is too much to bear
Crying is a natural state at present ... the tears just run down my face I cant even control that now.... and it takes nothing to start the sobs
This is the depressed side of Bipolar. This is the time when even though you know you dont want to kill yourself you know for sure you dont want to wake up if you ever manage to get to sleep ....
So my only option is to focus ... is to just get through this next moment
My CBT homework this week was to timetable my spare time ... to try and add to it somethings that I enjoy doing ...I failed my homework this week but I will make sure i have something to report on monday
People have been very kind and they say often I should call them if I need to talk, they then give me wrong that i suffer and dont call ... but what can I say ... this isnt reactive depression ... Im not crying because someone has upset me ... Im just upset because I am
I fill my time helping people because I have an ingrained need to help ... while Im solving ther peoples problems I do not have to face my own
For everyone who is distanced from me at present please stay close I will be back soon and for those that have to deal with me everyday ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... your karma levels will be through the roof xxxx
Saturday 27 March 2010
Sunday 21 March 2010
I used to be indecisive but now .... I'm not so sure!
The 15th March 1994 .... Or 'The day I should have married'
I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).
The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......
Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'
'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........
The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.
We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????
We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.
In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)
It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...
So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone
1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour
'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......
Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????
It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.
I would have worn a tight white dress with a fish tail (so tight i would have wiggled not walked down the aisle) I would have had 2 bridesmaids (one adult, one child) both dressed in pale yellow I would have carried a small bouquet of spring flowers. There were 52 people at the wedding the church would have been full. The photographer was my agents nephew (who did all my portfolio pictures).
The evening reception was ridiculously huge with musicians from all over England and Europe there (my fiancee was a musician). There were many dancers and actors. It would have been the party of the year......
Jump to 20th January 1994 ... Or 'the day my Fiancee told me he was going on tour'
'Seriously Mel they are desperate and I can fit it in the wedding preps are done ... come on!!!!!' I was being told that just 6 weeks before our wedding he planned to go away for a month .........
The Fiancee and I had met at Performing Arts School. We were good together He was an amazing Pianist and I was a singer ... what a team we managed to get work easily in clubs cocktail lounges etc ... but I wanted more I was also getting steady work in the theatre dancing chorus and small parts .... So the fiancee joined a band did some cruises and made a name for himself ... He was good and worked hard.
We had a good open and distant relationship ... we didnt cheat on each other because ... well it wasnt cheating if you told the other person now was it????
We both had our careers, we both worked all over the place and spent unemployed times following the other about ... In time we bought a house ... a good base and spent as much time there as possible ... it worked.... Then (because that is the next step) we got engaged.
In september 1993 While working as Mary Magdaline in the miracle plays I damaged my back while rehearsing the crucifixion ballet .... recovery was going to be long and hard (which it was)
It left me at home alone with nothing to do while the fiancee worked ... So with the help of my soon to be Mother-in-law I would plan the wedding ... and we were off ...
So wedding was planned Fiancee off on tour ... me bored and home alone
1st of March 1994...Or the day the Fiancee came home from tour
'YOU WANT TO WHAT?'......
'I want to cancel the wedding I'm not sure it is the right thing to do'
'WITH 2 WEEKS TO GO'
'yes with 2 weeks to go, marriage is a big thing I dont want to make the wrong decision'
'BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PREPERATIONS?'
'But what about the rest of our lives ... can you honestly say hand on heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me'
'No I dont think I can'
'Then we need to stop this and try to work out what we really want dont we ....'
'Yes Mel I think we do' ......
Thats right 2 weeks before the wedding I had spent 4 months planning I decided to cancel it ..... and why? was it because the Fiancee admitted to having feelings for a girl he had had'relations' with ... was it because the month he had been away i felt freer than ever before.... was it because the idea of that being my life forever scared the hell out of me .... was it because the fiancee and i wanted different things??????
It was probably all of them ...... And probably none of them ... who knows all i know was that in the month he had been away i knew that the last thing I should do was marry him .... even if that meant cancelling a wedding with 2 weeks to go ..... and those stories I will tell you another time.
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