continuation of feb 2010 post ... Diamonds

I hear the door open, and then close I know he is in the room, I know if I looked up I have lost. Marcus has been my agent for 19 years and is closer to me than my own father, I love him, it is as simple as that. I am only here today for him, the last thing I want is a stupid retirement party let alone this rigmarole. I’m 33 years old and I accept I can’t dance anymore so why wont anyone else. ‘you wanna go home?’ a sentence I had heard often over the years and I know how the rest of the conversation would go. If I say yes he would remind me what I was leaving and how many people would be affected and I would huff back ‘fine!’ we didn’t need to have the conversation my silence said it all. ‘You look amazing Mel I promise’ and the tears start as I think back to 4 months earlier.

“come on Mel-o-dy” he always separated my name when he wanted something, there are so many people want to see you off, you’ve been in this game nearly 15 years, just a little party a few of your regular clients and fans, they just want to see you after your accident, and say good luck for your future’ I shifted in my seat and the pain shot through my side again the gasp was audible and Marcus heard it “what is it Mel sweetness’ his voice dripping with concern and I was regretting the lie. I wasn’t Miss Melody Grace anymore. I wasn’t Mrs Drake either despite being married to Mr Drake. I was a mess, a wreck of a woman and I just wanted to disappear. At the beginning of the year I was travelling back home when the car I was travelling in was involved in an accident. It was now 6 months later, I had been in a coma for 6 days and spent the rest of the time fighting to become a person again the doctors may had fixed all the bits but it wasn’t me. I couldn’t be seen out in public looking like this. The meds had left me 3 times my normal size the scars were all over . even if I could find a corset that could fit me who would really want to see me dance ... I will not be a freak show. “Marcus, I just cant, the doctors wont allow it I have to stay close to the hospital” hoping this time my voice wouldn’t give me away and he would believe me. The silence told me he hadn’t “they won’t by November, please Mel” and that was it he won again.

Marcus moved across the bedroom, sat gently on the bed I know he would sit there until i had stopped sobbing, he didn’t deal with emotions but he didn’t run from them either, I feel secure crying in front of him. Believing i can talk through the sobs I try to explain, but words fail me. There is nothing that can be said he knows it all.... He knew the beginning the middle and he is there for the end.

I Take a deep breath... I know out there there is a group of people who know inside me. They know I do not want to be here and I know that if I could just get to them they would make me believe I can do this. "Marcus just let me have an hour get me food some diet coke and my laptop give me this last diva fit and I will be there. You know you dont need me to choose anything, its not like I have a choice" without a word Marcus nods and leaves.